#then romance

[ejzah]

For @anonkp, who wanted a continuation of my previous story, “Shattered Beyond Repair”. (I originally said the companion fic was a different title, but that is incorrect).

***

We’ll Make it New

The past three weeks has been miserable. While Deeks had officially ended their relationship, he hadn’t left NCIS or LAPD. At least not yet. Apparently he’d handed in his resignation, but told both Bates and Hetty he would stay on until they found his replacement.

It was a unique kind of torture. Seeing Deeks every day made her chest ache with longing, yet she coveted every moment they had together. To make it a little easier on her, Sam and Callen had taken to splitting she and Deeks up more days than not.

Thankfully they’d refrained from making any comments so far. Small favors, she supposed.

Today, started out with a debrief in OPS as usual on a suspicious double murder. Instead of standing next to Kensi as he once did, Deeks took position near the back of the room. As though he was physically distancing himself as much as he was emotionally.

“What do you think, Deeks?” Callen asked after Nell and Eric had gone over all the current details. Everyone turned to face Deeks, unusually quiet these days, and he considered the question for a few seconds.

This new version of him was quieter, more serious, more prone to deliberation. Like so many things recently, she regretted ever wishing that Deeks would less talkative, less the jokester…less him. She regretted not appreciating what they had.

“I think it’s suspicious that Lt. Anderson knew both victims and just rolled back into town two days ago,” Deeks said eventually. And that was it.

“Ok, then Sam and Kensi you can go talk to the Lieutenant. Deeks and I will interview his immediate superior,” Callen decided.

***

“How you holding up?” Sam asked as they drove to the Lieutenant’s home.

“Barring my father’s death and the times I’ve thought Deeks was dead, these have been the worst weeks of my life,” Kensi answered truthfully. “And I know what you’re going to say: I told you so,” she added with an exhausted sigh.

“Actually, I wasn’t. I don’t take any pleasure in your or Deeks’ pain,” Sam replied. “I do think you have some considerations to make.”

“Like what?”

“Well, you two are clearly both miserable. Deeks wants out, you don’t. I’d say you need to figure out if there’s a way that you can make both of those happen while existing as a couple?”

“Well, if it were that easy, I wouldn’t be single or searching for a new home.” She didn’t mean to snap, but she was on edge and feeling judged.

“I never said it was easy.” Sam chuckled dryly, shaking his head. “Believe me, Michelle and I had this “conversation” more than once.” He smiled softly. “When Michelle got pregnant, it was a big surprise. She was the one who decided to resign from fieldwork, but we argued a lot about whether I should stay in or not. In the end, we decided that me staying would work.

“I wouldn’t say that I regret that decision, but I missed out on quite a few bedtimes, school events, and all over the years. Those are times I can’t get back. And I can’t get back the missed date nights with Michelle. Or the days when she had to be the only parent to our kids.”

“I’m getting mixed messages here,” Kensi said with mild annoyance.

“Sorry. Basically, if being an NCIS Special Agent is what does make you happy, then that’s fine. If not…maybe it’s time to reconsider,” Sam said. “Work will always be there, people won’t.”

***

Kensi found herself rethinking Sam’s advice for the next several days. Somehow, once he’d laid it all out for her, it did seem amazingly simple. She wasn’t happy or content, even if she didn’t find some amount of pleasure in her work. It all seemed dull and worthless without Deeks by her side.

Which is why four days after talking with Sam, she found herself walking up the cracked sidewalk to the address she’d convinced Nell to give her. She knocked on the door before she chickened out and waited, heart pounding.

When Deeks opened the door a few moment later, he blinked in apparent surprise at finding her on his doorstep.

“Kensi, what are you—?”

“I quit,” she blurted out before Deeks could even voice his entire question. Which was not what she’d planned on saying at all.

“You quit?” Deeks repeated slowly, shaking his head slowly. “As in…?”

“NCIS. As of this morning, I’m not an NCIS Special Agent.”

Deeks’ face lit up for the briefest of seconds before he sobered, his expression shifting to one of disbelief. “Why?”

“Because I want you,” Kensi said reaching for his hand. She didn’t let his lack of response dissuade her.

“That didn’t make a difference before. At least not enough of one,” he reminded her. Kensi dipped her head, acknowledging his comment with a short nod.

“Yeah, well, I had a talk with Sam and he gave me reconsider some things.”

“He’s pretty good at that,” Deeks murmured softly, with a hint of his usual humor.

“He is.” She lifted her head, tears pricking the back of her eyes, as she took a step closer. “And I really missed you. More than any position, or mission could ever make up for.”

“But Kensi, you love field work. You love everything about helping people, the intrigue, and danger of it all. I can’t live up to that.” Her heart ached at the quiet hope tinged with resignation in Deeks’ voice.

“Yes, you can,” Kensi insisted fiercely, grasping his hand and pressing it to her chest. “Because I love you. More than anything. I can find ways to help people and fulfill my inner daredevil that won’t put me in danger the way that fieldwork does.”

“Are you sure?” Deeks whispered, his thumb gently rubbing over the back of her hand.

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Yes, I want to be with you.”

Deeks made a sound that was a cross between a gasp of relief and a sob, drawing her into his arms. Kensi cupped her hands around his jaw, almost desperate in her need to kiss him.

“I love you,” he whispered, burying his nose in her neck. She felt him shudder against her, and held him even tighter.

She’d come so close to losing this, him, forever. She’d never make that mistake again.

“I love you too,” she repeated. “So much.”

***

I hope that was alright.

Thanks for the prompt!

[animentality]

[ceevee5]

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Arthur Miller, The Crucible

[rookthebird]

"redemption arcs are toxic, you shouldn't try to fix someone!"

actually it is so important to me that being in community and experiencing human connection can save people. thanks

[becuzmdsaidineededpersonality]

[kindinb00]

[futuristic-koala]

[swan2swan]

Whoever conceived and animated this moment, I hope they're doing well and thriving. This is S-rank romance stuff here.

[shakespearian-love]

Dinner Date with you ❦

[ptimepoet]

- Clementine Von Radics

[animentality]

[usefulquotes7]

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

– Audrey Hepburn

[poetryforall]